Live Like You Are Leaving...

I’m reminded this morning that tomorrow (27 October) will be 2 years since my friend, Brenda, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. And tears come from me that I did not expect to still have. Brenda and I met while participating in ‘Team in Training’ with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, in what seems like a lifetime ago. She was easygoing, intelligent, beautiful, and just someone I wanted to be friends with. By the time the marathon came around, she was pregnant with her and Joe’s first child, Claire – it was still early in the pregnancy and she didn’t tell any of us. She ran that damn marathon! And then told us. Of course, I was in amazement….but that was Brenda, I learned.

I moved away from Austin and their family grew to include a second child, Ava. Eventually, Joe’s career took them to other parts of the U.S. and then other parts of the world. We stayed in touch periodically and I always looked forward to her Christmas photo and letter, keeping friends & family up-to-date on their adventures. Thank goodness for the advent of Facebook, so that we could keep in touch – so I could peek in on their lives rather and see how they were all doing. Their family landed in England and it was my plan to visit. That plan never came to fruition, because I kept putting it off. I would say to myself, I don’t have enough time with the job; I can’t spend that money right now.

One morning, I received a message on Facebook from a good friend of Brenda’s asking me to call, that something had happened. It was not a good feeling I had, reading that message. So I called and found out that this beautiful, vivacious, adventurous soul had passed away. I was in shock, because she was the picture of health and very active. I didn’t understand it. How could someone SO young die? I didn’t even have the words to comfort her husband and her girls. I didn’t know what to say.

Over the course of the next few weeks, family and friends celebrated Brenda’s life. Joe’s beautiful, beautiful, loving eulogy was posted for all to read. It truly was a celebration of her life and the fact that we each had her in our lives, no matter how much or how long, we’d had a chance to be part of it. I loved that, while her loss was grieved, the legacy that she left behind would not go unnoticed, untended, or forgotten. I loved the fact that her family kept her Facebook page up, and that I could see photos of their lovely daughters growing and moving forward. I loved that Joe has continued Brenda’s tradition of sending a photo and a note at Christmas.

This morning, a cute photo of the girls was posted along with the message that Joe and their girls continue to celebrate Brenda and are inspired by these words, which are on her headstone:

Brenda’s Beliefs

Motherhood.

Faith. Family. Travel.

Live Like You Are Leaving

Coffee. Wine. Chocolate.

This has made me shed tears….for loss of a life too young, but also because I am reminded that we need to live like we are leaving. And more often than not, we don’t.  

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Top....

You know that saying, “It’s lonely at the top.” I’m not even at the top yet, and it’s a lonely journey. Really, it should be it’s lonely deciding to get to the top, it’s lonely on the journey to top, and it’s lonely at the top.

Almost a year ago, I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity presented to me by two people, who are now my business partners. They could see the entrepreneurial spark in me and offered an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. We founded our company, Byte Payment, a payment solutions provider for businesses.

It’s been a tough road to forge, as other entrepreneurs know. I’ve embraced every moment of it – the long hours, the victories, the disappointments, the disagreements – all of it. Because this was what I was meant to be: an entrepreneur. What I didn’t foresee is the distance that slowly built between my friends and me. My friends – not the casual acquaintances, but people I considered good friends, with whom I shared outings, laughs, stories, and life’s moments. I always strived to be a good friend, by being there when they needed me, whether it was a shoulder to cry on, as a sounding board, babysitting their kids…things that friends do for one another. I gave of my time, my affection, my attention, because it’s in my nature to give. And that is what friends do.

My goal has always been to be an entrepreneur. It was just a matter of finding the right thing or things. I’d started a business a few years ago, in photography. It didn’t work out and I went back into the corporate world for a bit. But I learned a lot from that failed first experience. Yes, it was a failure, and that is what drives success. Learn from the failures and mistakes, and don’t repeat. One of my favorite quotes is from the great Michael Jordan: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

When we founded our company last year, I was more prepared this time around. I was also on more solid ground, because my partners had been successful with their own company, so I had built-in mentors and advisers. What I wasn’t prepared for was the doubt and negativity from my own friends. MY FRIENDS. Yes, the photography business failed. It wasn’t the right thing for me, and if I didn’t take that shot, I wouldn’t have known. I don’t want to regret NOT doing something, not taking that shot, not taking that chance. Quitting my dream would be the biggest failure of all.

One of the most hurtful things happened, when I told a friend with whom I have a 20-year friendship, that we were starting a business and I was leaving my employer. I didn’t get a “good for you for going after your dream” or “that’s awesome, I support you.” The response I got was an “Oookkkk…are you sure about this?” If I’d said that I was moving companies and had a new job, I would’ve probably received more support! I wasn’t happy anymore just making a paycheck and benefitting the top executives of my company. That hadn’t made me happy for a long time. I was very disappointed that this long-time friend couldn’t see or understand that.

Over the course of the last year, others have fallen off as well. I’d always prided myself on having a larger circle of friends, different people with differing personalities. This circle is no longer. Thankfully, the sister and two of the cousins have been phenomenally supportive. Also, a couple of friends from the Chronicle days. These women are like sisters and if they haven’t heard from me in awhile, they call to see if I’m OK, to offer words of encouragement, or just to talk. They understand that I need to put in long hours, that we may not be able to get together or go out as often right now, that a simple phone call is enough. Also thankfully, I’ve met a great group of people via social media, who have offered more support than the ‘real friends.’ Many of them are entrepreneurs or they truly get why I am one. Funny, how that works.

I understand making a phone call goes both ways…right now, I’m being a bit selfish and wanting friends to initiate the call, just to see how I’m doing and offer a few words of encouragement and support. A phone call forces me to take a break and spend some time in happy conversation. It’s OK. The distance has grown and I know the people on whom I can count. I’ve accepted the journey to the top.  

Speak It Out Loud

I’m good with speaking in front of people, whether it’s a small group or a large one. I’m good at presentations. I’m good at spouting facts and figures. I’m good at making small talk, speaking to perfect strangers whenever and wherever I encounter them. I’m good at communicating, one could say.

But I’m not good at speaking out loud the words I need to say, when I care about someone. Probably the most important words that could be spoken out loud. Yeah, people usually aren’t good with talking about feelings and emotions. I’m REALLY bad at it. Really. Because I don’t want to risk my poor little heart. I’m adventurous when it comes to travel or new places to eat, or learning a different skill. But I’m not adventurous with my heart.

The last few days have been rough…and enlightening. A good friend was diagnosed with cancer – the big scary ‘C’ word. This news was upsetting, to say the least. But it was enlightening too. Ironic, huh? It helped me to figure out just how much I care about this friend. I’ve never told him about my feelings for him. I couldn’t speak those words to him. I couldn’t speak those words to my other friends, to share my feelings for this man. I couldn’t let those feelings come to the surface. I wasn’t even honest with myself about these feelings! There were other things at risk besides my heart…I was afraid I might even lose his friendship or things would be weird and awkward.

Here’s something else I realized that scares the daylights out of me – I need and want him in my life. Not need in a strange co-dependent way. I need him because he is all the things that I’m not. He challenges me. I can’t imagine not having him in my life.

I’ve spoken these words out loud to the Universe…now for the hard part...speaking those words to him. 

Happy New Year!!!

Another New Year’s Eve…and I had no desire to be out. Not to mention that the rain didn’t help matters either. Long gone are the days of partying at bars or clubs for NYE. I usually receive a few invites to friends’ homes, where there are intimate gatherings or larger parties. Those types of NYE outings have made me happy and I get to spend it with the people who mean the most to me.

For the last couple of NYEs, I have every intention of making the rounds and then spending midnight at one of the friends’ houses. But something shifts and I start feeling like I don’t even want to venture out the door. I can’t explain it. I’m not trying to be anti-social, but it’s been very comfortable to be at home with drink in hand, watching DickClark’s New Year's Rockin’ Eve. Perhaps I’ve finally matured enough to be completely OK with being by myself, on an evening that others place so much importance on “being with” someone. Or perhaps it’s laziness. LOL

Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to have a “someone special” in my life. But I’m one of those girls, who doesn’t define herself by the man in her life. In my early 20’s, due to the poor choices that youth makes, I staked my life and identity on a man. And it took a while to find myself again after it was all over. Lesson learned. For me, there are many special someones in my life: the siblings (don’t tell them I said that!); good friends I’ve known for decades; the nieces that I adore; the nephew who thinks he’s too cool for his old aunt; the cousins that I think of as siblings and friends; the business partner who seems to know me better than I know myself at times.

So last night, as the evening progressed, thoughts of all these special someones came in and out of my mind. The memories we’d made together, the laughter & tears shared, the good times & the bad (thankfully, more good than bad), thoughts of what 2013 would bring for us all. And it was very comfortable and comforting. I hope that my wonderful friends who extended invitations to me will understand!

Happy New Year!!!

P.S.  Don’t usually make resolutions…I have one for 2013 – to write on a regular basis. You guys can hold me to it! 

Stuck in neutral...need a tow

I've been a little off kilter this week...and what makes me so mad at myself, is that I allowed myself to be thrown off kilter by another person. Granted, this person is a close relative and that may be the reason for how this affected me. Usually I try not to air any dysfunctional family stuff but thought that writing about it might be cathartic.

I won't go into all the gory details but suffice it to say, that this person voiced an opinion, which I'd already known in the back of my mind, was probably what she thought of me. But it was still hurtful to have those thoughts transformed into solid words. Very hurtful. And granted I understand, in the heat of anger, one tends to lash out and say things to hurt others. I try really hard not to do that...if I'm in an argument I try to stick to the issue at hand and the facts. Trust me, I know I've thrown some zingers out there, but I hope that none of them were ever this low or that I even have it within me to go this low.

This incident has, literally, taken the joy out of this past week for me...and I'm still feeling the effects. And still mad at myself for feeling this way...LOL. Vicious cycle. Those who know me well, know that I'm able to shake things off fairly quickly. Through painful experience, I've learned that you need to let go of the anger and the bitterness, because those two demons only hurt one person: YOU. It doesn't hurt the person or people at whom the anger is directed, because ya know what, they probably don't know and/or don't care and have moved on. So you need to move on. That's my philosophy.

But I'm stuck in neutral gear on this one...at least for now, and I need -- I want -- to move forward and beyond this thing. And I'm not sure how to go about doing this, which only adds to the frustration at myself. Perhaps I need to just let go and allow myself to go through the anger and hurt, so that I can come out at the end, me again. In reality, I will get past this but it will always color my relationship with this relative, which was tenuous, at best, prior to this. Funny thing is, this person opined that I speak before I think...if only she had done that.   

Success

10 years…3,650 days…5,256,000 minutes. This is the length of time that I have been back in the great city of Houston. I’ve learned to truly appreciate this city, its people, and the opportunities here, in these last 10 years. I didn’t always feel this way. There is a piece of my heart and soul that still belongs to Austin, but I am quite happy with my life in Houston. I can’t say that I returned to my life in Houston 10 years ago, because I left when I was 18 and how much of a life can one have at the age of 18? Not much. Like a phoenix, I like to believe I was re-born when I returned.

In the last 10 years, I’ve gone down 3 different career paths – well, one career as a sales rep, in different industries. 3 VERY different industries! Well, 4 if we take into consideration my brief stint of launching a photography career. I quickly learned that I appreciated photography much more as a hobby, than as a business. Unfortunately, not quickly enough NOT to have invested money, time, sweat, and tears. But that’s what life is all about, is it not? You are always learning, making mistakes, learning from those mistakes/experiences and picking yourself back up to be re-born.

Most importantly to me, in the past 10 years, I’ve developed or cemented relationships with my sister, cousins, other family members; seen my nephew grow from a little boy to a young man; witnessed the birth of my niece and have been able to be a part of her growing up; met numerous, numerous people, many of whom have become great friends; have been there for the births of my friends’ children, who are all like surrogate children to me; loved and lost someone, who later returned to my life, but too late; stuck by someone, who was completely wrong for me, out of my sense of loyalty, which was a mistake(!); traveled; experienced new things, places, people. My list could go on but out of everything, there are two that are most important and paramount  for me: developing and nurturing relationships I’ve built, whether they be personal, career, or both; embracing new experiences and learning from them, if I can, or simply just for the sheer enjoyment of experiencing something new.

It’s taken me some time (most of my 41 years!...lol) to discover who I am and what I’m good at – believe me, the journey is still an ongoing one! I grew up with this idea that you needed to be good at math, or science, or English, any subject in school, so that you could parlay that into a career. But you know what I’ve realized and what Ebenezer Scrooge learned to be after his journey with the spirits? That I am good at the business of humanity. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people and finding out about them and I enjoy connecting people who may benefit from the connection, whether it be personal or business. I value and cherish the relationships I have with my friends, many of which have spanned for decades. I consider this my success…others may disagree with me and think I am not a success because I don’t live in the biggest house, or drive the fanciest car, or have tons of money in the bank.

When I die, can I take my big house or fancy car with me? Can I take my money with me? NO. I want to be able to look down from Heaven (yes, St. Peter has already told me I’d get in…LOL) and see my family and friends, all together, having a great old time, celebrating my life, telling stories, and laughing about the times we all had together.

That, friends, is what I consider success...a life well-lived and a legacy of good acts which will be remembered.

Coffee, anyone?

I think I have this dating thing down to a science now...LOL. Or at least my friend, Rosemary, thinks so. :-)
A first-time meeting is for coffee or drinks...ONLY! Cause if we don't like each other or the chemistry isn't there (mostly if I don't like the guy...lol), no need to prolong the agony by waiting for a meal to end. And no need to ruin a good meal either!

A week ago today, I had a coffee date. He'd made several attempts and pleas to meet for dinner, thinking that saying things like "you're too cute to eat alone" would change my mind. Not happening, buddy! Little did he know just how stubborn and persistent I can be. :-) He left the meeting spot up to me...decided on Panera in Pearland, which was a halfway point for us. And it was a nice public place. Need to add this little note: I wasn't overly impressed by this guy's profile on match.com, but I'd decided that I needed to be more open-minded (to a certain extent!) and at least meet in person. Some people may not present themselves well in writing. So we met for coffee...

And I was not incorrect in my initial assessment from the online profile!!! I wasn't physically attracted to him and things went south from there. I have this obsession (OK, so maybe obsession is too strong of a word...fixation, perhaps??) with teeth. I don't have perfect teeth, nor am I looking for perfect teeth. I do, however, want to see that you've been taking care of your teeth...you know, stuff like, brushing, cleaning, regular dental visits. This guy's teeth were...how shall I put this....JACKED UP! No wonder he needed the big-ass mustache. He was definitely not my speed -- I'm at 90 mph, and he was in the school zone. (My friend, Kristen, usually likes to ask, can he keep up with you? When I'm describing a new person I've encountered...she knows me well. LOL) He was quite content in his homebody world and described himself as "too lazy" to go anywhere. Really??? That's supposed to impress me?? Guess he overlooked the part in my profile that states I love to try new things, whether it's a new place to eat/see or a new activity. I have lazy days, but that is not the norm for me.

I consider myself to have a strong work ethic...I work hard whether it benefits me solely or my team, or the company. It's just the right thing to do. Asked this guy about his work and he proceeds to tell me how he & his co-workers don't really like it when they are called upon to help each other. If another person goes to do work on one of his accounts, that person does a half-assed job...and he'd do the same with someone else's client. Wow. I forget that there are people out there who do the minimum, no more, no less.

And for the finale, I asked if he had any children, because he'd been married previously. His answer? Not really. ?????  I was confused at first and thought perhaps, he'd not heard my question correctly. So, I asked again, do you have any children? The answer again was, "Not really." The explanation? He has one child, a son, with whom he isn't close, nor does he know where his son is. What????  He outright said, well, he doesn't care about me and I don't care about him. Again, wow. This all stemmed from a prolonged and ugly custody battle when his son was a young child. He only knew that his son was over 18, because the child support had stopped being deducted from his paycheck. I don't care how ugly or nasty your divorce is, your child or children should never be the victims and should never have to wonder if their parents love them. This spoke volumes to me about his character and I was ready to RUN out of there.

Needless to say, it wasn't too long after that bit of conversation, when I ended the "interview." Said I was ready to go, shook hands, and said see ya.

And that, my friends, is why I insist on coffee or drinks first.