Speak It Out Loud

I’m good with speaking in front of people, whether it’s a small group or a large one. I’m good at presentations. I’m good at spouting facts and figures. I’m good at making small talk, speaking to perfect strangers whenever and wherever I encounter them. I’m good at communicating, one could say.

But I’m not good at speaking out loud the words I need to say, when I care about someone. Probably the most important words that could be spoken out loud. Yeah, people usually aren’t good with talking about feelings and emotions. I’m REALLY bad at it. Really. Because I don’t want to risk my poor little heart. I’m adventurous when it comes to travel or new places to eat, or learning a different skill. But I’m not adventurous with my heart.

The last few days have been rough…and enlightening. A good friend was diagnosed with cancer – the big scary ‘C’ word. This news was upsetting, to say the least. But it was enlightening too. Ironic, huh? It helped me to figure out just how much I care about this friend. I’ve never told him about my feelings for him. I couldn’t speak those words to him. I couldn’t speak those words to my other friends, to share my feelings for this man. I couldn’t let those feelings come to the surface. I wasn’t even honest with myself about these feelings! There were other things at risk besides my heart…I was afraid I might even lose his friendship or things would be weird and awkward.

Here’s something else I realized that scares the daylights out of me – I need and want him in my life. Not need in a strange co-dependent way. I need him because he is all the things that I’m not. He challenges me. I can’t imagine not having him in my life.

I’ve spoken these words out loud to the Universe…now for the hard part...speaking those words to him.