Stuck in neutral...need a tow

I've been a little off kilter this week...and what makes me so mad at myself, is that I allowed myself to be thrown off kilter by another person. Granted, this person is a close relative and that may be the reason for how this affected me. Usually I try not to air any dysfunctional family stuff but thought that writing about it might be cathartic.

I won't go into all the gory details but suffice it to say, that this person voiced an opinion, which I'd already known in the back of my mind, was probably what she thought of me. But it was still hurtful to have those thoughts transformed into solid words. Very hurtful. And granted I understand, in the heat of anger, one tends to lash out and say things to hurt others. I try really hard not to do that...if I'm in an argument I try to stick to the issue at hand and the facts. Trust me, I know I've thrown some zingers out there, but I hope that none of them were ever this low or that I even have it within me to go this low.

This incident has, literally, taken the joy out of this past week for me...and I'm still feeling the effects. And still mad at myself for feeling this way...LOL. Vicious cycle. Those who know me well, know that I'm able to shake things off fairly quickly. Through painful experience, I've learned that you need to let go of the anger and the bitterness, because those two demons only hurt one person: YOU. It doesn't hurt the person or people at whom the anger is directed, because ya know what, they probably don't know and/or don't care and have moved on. So you need to move on. That's my philosophy.

But I'm stuck in neutral gear on this one...at least for now, and I need -- I want -- to move forward and beyond this thing. And I'm not sure how to go about doing this, which only adds to the frustration at myself. Perhaps I need to just let go and allow myself to go through the anger and hurt, so that I can come out at the end, me again. In reality, I will get past this but it will always color my relationship with this relative, which was tenuous, at best, prior to this. Funny thing is, this person opined that I speak before I think...if only she had done that.   

Success

10 years…3,650 days…5,256,000 minutes. This is the length of time that I have been back in the great city of Houston. I’ve learned to truly appreciate this city, its people, and the opportunities here, in these last 10 years. I didn’t always feel this way. There is a piece of my heart and soul that still belongs to Austin, but I am quite happy with my life in Houston. I can’t say that I returned to my life in Houston 10 years ago, because I left when I was 18 and how much of a life can one have at the age of 18? Not much. Like a phoenix, I like to believe I was re-born when I returned.

In the last 10 years, I’ve gone down 3 different career paths – well, one career as a sales rep, in different industries. 3 VERY different industries! Well, 4 if we take into consideration my brief stint of launching a photography career. I quickly learned that I appreciated photography much more as a hobby, than as a business. Unfortunately, not quickly enough NOT to have invested money, time, sweat, and tears. But that’s what life is all about, is it not? You are always learning, making mistakes, learning from those mistakes/experiences and picking yourself back up to be re-born.

Most importantly to me, in the past 10 years, I’ve developed or cemented relationships with my sister, cousins, other family members; seen my nephew grow from a little boy to a young man; witnessed the birth of my niece and have been able to be a part of her growing up; met numerous, numerous people, many of whom have become great friends; have been there for the births of my friends’ children, who are all like surrogate children to me; loved and lost someone, who later returned to my life, but too late; stuck by someone, who was completely wrong for me, out of my sense of loyalty, which was a mistake(!); traveled; experienced new things, places, people. My list could go on but out of everything, there are two that are most important and paramount  for me: developing and nurturing relationships I’ve built, whether they be personal, career, or both; embracing new experiences and learning from them, if I can, or simply just for the sheer enjoyment of experiencing something new.

It’s taken me some time (most of my 41 years!...lol) to discover who I am and what I’m good at – believe me, the journey is still an ongoing one! I grew up with this idea that you needed to be good at math, or science, or English, any subject in school, so that you could parlay that into a career. But you know what I’ve realized and what Ebenezer Scrooge learned to be after his journey with the spirits? That I am good at the business of humanity. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people and finding out about them and I enjoy connecting people who may benefit from the connection, whether it be personal or business. I value and cherish the relationships I have with my friends, many of which have spanned for decades. I consider this my success…others may disagree with me and think I am not a success because I don’t live in the biggest house, or drive the fanciest car, or have tons of money in the bank.

When I die, can I take my big house or fancy car with me? Can I take my money with me? NO. I want to be able to look down from Heaven (yes, St. Peter has already told me I’d get in…LOL) and see my family and friends, all together, having a great old time, celebrating my life, telling stories, and laughing about the times we all had together.

That, friends, is what I consider success...a life well-lived and a legacy of good acts which will be remembered.