Speak It Out Loud

I’m good with speaking in front of people, whether it’s a small group or a large one. I’m good at presentations. I’m good at spouting facts and figures. I’m good at making small talk, speaking to perfect strangers whenever and wherever I encounter them. I’m good at communicating, one could say.

But I’m not good at speaking out loud the words I need to say, when I care about someone. Probably the most important words that could be spoken out loud. Yeah, people usually aren’t good with talking about feelings and emotions. I’m REALLY bad at it. Really. Because I don’t want to risk my poor little heart. I’m adventurous when it comes to travel or new places to eat, or learning a different skill. But I’m not adventurous with my heart.

The last few days have been rough…and enlightening. A good friend was diagnosed with cancer – the big scary ‘C’ word. This news was upsetting, to say the least. But it was enlightening too. Ironic, huh? It helped me to figure out just how much I care about this friend. I’ve never told him about my feelings for him. I couldn’t speak those words to him. I couldn’t speak those words to my other friends, to share my feelings for this man. I couldn’t let those feelings come to the surface. I wasn’t even honest with myself about these feelings! There were other things at risk besides my heart…I was afraid I might even lose his friendship or things would be weird and awkward.

Here’s something else I realized that scares the daylights out of me – I need and want him in my life. Not need in a strange co-dependent way. I need him because he is all the things that I’m not. He challenges me. I can’t imagine not having him in my life.

I’ve spoken these words out loud to the Universe…now for the hard part...speaking those words to him. 

Happy New Year!!!

Another New Year’s Eve…and I had no desire to be out. Not to mention that the rain didn’t help matters either. Long gone are the days of partying at bars or clubs for NYE. I usually receive a few invites to friends’ homes, where there are intimate gatherings or larger parties. Those types of NYE outings have made me happy and I get to spend it with the people who mean the most to me.

For the last couple of NYEs, I have every intention of making the rounds and then spending midnight at one of the friends’ houses. But something shifts and I start feeling like I don’t even want to venture out the door. I can’t explain it. I’m not trying to be anti-social, but it’s been very comfortable to be at home with drink in hand, watching DickClark’s New Year's Rockin’ Eve. Perhaps I’ve finally matured enough to be completely OK with being by myself, on an evening that others place so much importance on “being with” someone. Or perhaps it’s laziness. LOL

Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to have a “someone special” in my life. But I’m one of those girls, who doesn’t define herself by the man in her life. In my early 20’s, due to the poor choices that youth makes, I staked my life and identity on a man. And it took a while to find myself again after it was all over. Lesson learned. For me, there are many special someones in my life: the siblings (don’t tell them I said that!); good friends I’ve known for decades; the nieces that I adore; the nephew who thinks he’s too cool for his old aunt; the cousins that I think of as siblings and friends; the business partner who seems to know me better than I know myself at times.

So last night, as the evening progressed, thoughts of all these special someones came in and out of my mind. The memories we’d made together, the laughter & tears shared, the good times & the bad (thankfully, more good than bad), thoughts of what 2013 would bring for us all. And it was very comfortable and comforting. I hope that my wonderful friends who extended invitations to me will understand!

Happy New Year!!!

P.S.  Don’t usually make resolutions…I have one for 2013 – to write on a regular basis. You guys can hold me to it!